Even when a breakup is warranted, it can be messy and painful. Things often are said that are later regretted, and both people normally are hurt. Breakups rarely leave friendships in their wake - the residue of a breakup can be every bit as acrimonious as that of a nasty divorce. One of the most tragic of circumstances is when a couple breaks up even though they still love each other, but must separate because of circumstances or the dramatic ups and downs of their relationship.
It's easy to tell when a long-term relationship is in trouble. There's something missing, always, in the environment - the gentle banter of conversation at the table and in the home, even when they're each involved in different activities. Each always appears to be too busy to go with the other. The level of stress between them is palpable.
There's no eye contact - in fact, there's no contact, period - physical intimacy is one of the first victims when a relationship goes sour and begins the decline to breakup. Gone are the provocative glances and the random caresses. There's more warmth in a government office.
Both parties in the relationship know there's trouble - if a stranger in the home can see it, of course they're aware. If they want to repair and restore the relationship, the first thing they've got to do is sit down together and honestly confront their problems together. If the relationship's been going downhill for a while, the troubles won't all be resolved in a single conversation. This is just a start, and it's sufficient even if the only resolution they reach is that they love each other enough to try to salvage it.
After this conversation together, each must have a conversation with themselves. "Do I care enough about the other to work to overcome our problems?" All other questions, like "Have we properly identified the problem(s)?" are subservient - the only reason to preserve the relationship is because of the feelings each must have for the other. Absent such care, why bother trying to save the relationship?
When the couple has decided to work together to save their relationship, there's still significant work to be done, not least of which is identifying just what the problems are. This is problem-solving time. You're considering present and the future, and to get tangled up assigning blame (or the current buzzword, "accountability") means sacrificing the future for the past. Stay concentrated on solving your problems realistically - never commit to a course of action you cannot live up to - that's a betrayal of the trust the other has placed in the relationship and in you.
The second step is something you undertake as soon as the first step is well underway - while you're identifying and solving problems, discuss also your hopes and dreams - and how they might have changed since you first got together. Make new good memories together. If you cannot find these things together, yours may be that special kind of relationship where the couple don't share interests or dreams, but their interests, goals and aspirations are complementary. As you pursue your varied interests you can still love and support each other while working to achieve those dreams.
Third, stay concentrated on rebuilding your relationship and making your future together. Don't slip, don't get lazy and fall back into the old habits of not communicating, and growing apart. And when necessary, go ahead and ask for help. Other than death, there's no problem in human relationships that a couple in love cannot solve together. As time goes by and you grow increasingly accustomed to regularly communicating candidly and openly, these problems will never multiply and grow to the point where they threaten your relationship, and you'll realize that this crisis in your relationship was actually the best thing that ever happened to it.
If you liked this article, check out this article on how to stop a breakup.
It's easy to tell when a long-term relationship is in trouble. There's something missing, always, in the environment - the gentle banter of conversation at the table and in the home, even when they're each involved in different activities. Each always appears to be too busy to go with the other. The level of stress between them is palpable.
There's no eye contact - in fact, there's no contact, period - physical intimacy is one of the first victims when a relationship goes sour and begins the decline to breakup. Gone are the provocative glances and the random caresses. There's more warmth in a government office.
Both parties in the relationship know there's trouble - if a stranger in the home can see it, of course they're aware. If they want to repair and restore the relationship, the first thing they've got to do is sit down together and honestly confront their problems together. If the relationship's been going downhill for a while, the troubles won't all be resolved in a single conversation. This is just a start, and it's sufficient even if the only resolution they reach is that they love each other enough to try to salvage it.
After this conversation together, each must have a conversation with themselves. "Do I care enough about the other to work to overcome our problems?" All other questions, like "Have we properly identified the problem(s)?" are subservient - the only reason to preserve the relationship is because of the feelings each must have for the other. Absent such care, why bother trying to save the relationship?
When the couple has decided to work together to save their relationship, there's still significant work to be done, not least of which is identifying just what the problems are. This is problem-solving time. You're considering present and the future, and to get tangled up assigning blame (or the current buzzword, "accountability") means sacrificing the future for the past. Stay concentrated on solving your problems realistically - never commit to a course of action you cannot live up to - that's a betrayal of the trust the other has placed in the relationship and in you.
The second step is something you undertake as soon as the first step is well underway - while you're identifying and solving problems, discuss also your hopes and dreams - and how they might have changed since you first got together. Make new good memories together. If you cannot find these things together, yours may be that special kind of relationship where the couple don't share interests or dreams, but their interests, goals and aspirations are complementary. As you pursue your varied interests you can still love and support each other while working to achieve those dreams.
Third, stay concentrated on rebuilding your relationship and making your future together. Don't slip, don't get lazy and fall back into the old habits of not communicating, and growing apart. And when necessary, go ahead and ask for help. Other than death, there's no problem in human relationships that a couple in love cannot solve together. As time goes by and you grow increasingly accustomed to regularly communicating candidly and openly, these problems will never multiply and grow to the point where they threaten your relationship, and you'll realize that this crisis in your relationship was actually the best thing that ever happened to it.
If you liked this article, check out this article on how to stop a breakup.
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